bright light

Sorry but I don’t believe I can ever love

2011-03-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

I love my kids, my family, and my friends. I love God; I love myself. These things I know.

I have been in love a few times. Cliché, so it can be easy for me to say. But have I really loved? Or has anyone really ever loved for that matter?

Maybe this is not meant to be read by those who are still young, and believe that somewhere, there’s an Edward Cullen, or Prince Charming around. Kids deserve to dream, so I’d give them that.

But as much as we don’t want to believe or admit, our growth is hampered by our emotions, and our maturity held back by fairy tales. So instead of stories being patterned in real life, we tend to pattern our lives on stories. Therefore, we become hopeless romantics, and we fall in love with the idea of love itself.

So I don’t believe in love. But don’t ever think this as a result of trauma, bitterness or failed relationships; although there’s truth in the latest. It did not however, give trauma or bitterness, but realization to what is really out there.

I believe in attraction and how you long to be with someone that you recently met. But I do know that time will come that you will tire just looking and wondering why you wake up with the same person everyday.

I believe in infatuation, and how you can’t think about anything else than being with the other person. Though I do know that to grow fonder can mean to love the person, but does not necessarily mean that they will stay in love.

I believe how your heart beats faster every time you’re around him or her. But in time, your heart won’t beat faster anymore. It will tick rather, just enough for you to live.

I believe in relationships, and how you gain and give trust and respect. But sooner or later, temptation will take out trust and rule out respect.

I believe in promises, compromises and growing old together. But promises are always broken, and no one admits that they don’t want to compromise, and that all we will ever want is a companion when our gray hair keeps coming out.

I believe in love songs and still cry in love stories. But there’s no such thing as happy endings. Most of the time, it just ends.

And although not every relationship is bound to end, and forgiveness and happiness can still be achieved, it seems impossible to love eternally.

Love is indistinguishable to perfection.

So who could ever love but God? Probably the most popular chapter in the Holy Bible is the 13th of the First Book of Corinthians. So for those who say they have loved or have been in love, you may think again. For here is what the holy book says:

Love is patient – But is patience being tired of waiting for them to love you back? Or getting frustrated because he’s not able to keep his promise? Or being anxious on waiting for our loved one to come home?

Love is kind – But can we ever be kind when we can’t even be considerate of what others would feel?

Love does not envy – Yet we take pride in our loved one’s jealousy. Or heedless to say, we always compete with our partner, in one way or another. At the back of our heads, we don’t want them to be joyous if we are apart.

Love does not boast – Can you ever give or receive flowers or gifts without showing them around? I don’t think so. Even the simplest form of flaunting is boasting.

Love is not proud – But we seldom admit that we have done wrong. Most people who are in love gain a boosted ego when the other admits that they faulted. I am guilty of this, aren’t you?

Love is not rude – Yet we say bad things to one another when we’re angry. And even if we apologize and say that we don’t mean them, we do. Everything that comes out of our mouth, angry or not, are either meant or at least half-meant.

Love is not self-seeking – Even if we say that we lost our self to the one we love, and that we don’t know our true selves anymore. None of our motives is ENTIRELY, and I stress the word, selfless.

Love is not easily angered – This goes out to all women in relationships. I think I don’t need to say more.

Love keeps no record of wrongs – Does forgive and not forget ring a bell? Pretty straight-forward.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth - But everyone lies, black or white. “What you don’t know won’t hurt you”, as they say. But it is also said that “No secret is forever kept.”

Love always protects – If we can protect them from hurt, and avoid inflicting them pain, then maybe we can always protect them.

Love always trusts – One time or another, even if we don’t actually do it, at the back of our heads, everyone wants to cheat. And therefore we are all spies.

Love always hopes – We can always hope; for the betterment of the other person, or for all the good things. What’s hard is to hope for them selflessly.

Love always perseveres – We persevere if we are patient

Love never fails – And finally, admit it or not, everyone fails to possess everything that precedes this criterion.

I do not possess all of these. Not one, not even close to having one. I am full of flaws, impatient, selfish and easily angered.

So maybe I can feel attraction which could lead to infatuation or maybe affection. But I do know that it will eventually die out. And so I just accept the fact that I can never be in love, and try to be satiable with what I have and what I can get. Though I’m not saying that that it’s high time everyone think the same. But we should never get our hopes too high, so as not to get frustrated, or hurt. For we can only love in the eternal world; and in this promiscuous WORLD of OURS, there’s no such thing as FOREVER, much less HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Provocation of the Vulnerable Brain Part2 (Invictus)

2010-10-20T20:44:00.001-07:00

Recently, I've been asking myself, do we need to get lost to find the way? What if we're trapped in a maze that we can't get out?

It's a good thing that that back from my COTC High School days, there has been one poem of which message I never thought I live by. Thanks to William Ernest Henley, I can still think for myself and for my family.

I may be summoned to do things, but I still go by my rules. I may hear a lot of things, but at the end of the day, it's still my thoughts that count.

So today, even if I can explicitly say that I am inside a political maze, I am confident that I can see the other end and get out of it.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Provocation of the Vulnerable Brain

2010-10-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 32 years, I cannot assess myself.

I've been struggling to huddle everything I want and set my priorities. What do I have so far? Nothing. I've been in a lot of dilemmas which I don't expect everyone to understand. Dilemmas that didn't lead me in any of the tracks, even the wrong ones.

For eighteen months I've been wanting to contribute to changing a system that did not exist. I've been wanting so hard to attain an unachievable goal that I sold my soul to the devil.

Not realizing what I ended up with, I became part of the system that was like a rotten egg the moment it was laid. I look at myself and I, who hate politics, now talk about politics. I, who hate gossips, am now gossiping. I, who don't trust ordinal information, even ponder on rumors. And I, who have trouble trusting, still trust myself.

I want to scream at myself for the monster that I have become. For a while, my inherent apathy to side-talks isn't there anymore.

Still, I have to thank that this igloo did not eat up my enthusiasm on challenges, thus I obtained the drive to regain the dignity that I seem to have thrown away.

PETIX KA BA?

2010-08-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

PETIX KA SA TRABAHO KAPAG MADALAS KANG:

1. PUMUNTA SA CR KAHIT HINDI KA NAIIHI AT MADALAS NANANALAMIN KA LANG
2. KUMUHA NG TUBIG DAHIL INOM KA LANG NG INOM SA PAGPAPATAY NG ORAS
3. MAGKWENTO NG NAKARAAN MO AT HINDI NG CURRENT EVENTS LANG
4. LINGON KA NG LINGON PAG MAY DUMADAAN SA LIKOD MO DAHIL BAKA BOSS YUNG DUMADAAN AT MAKITANG NAGLALARO KA
5. TUMINGIN SA ORASAN DAHIL HINIHINTAY MONG MAGUWIAN
6. HUMIKAB KAHIT HINDI KA PUYAT
7. MAGCHECK NG CELPHONE KAHIT ALAM MO NAMAN WALA NAGTETEXT AT WALA KANG LOAD
8. MAGCHECK NG EMAIL KAHIT ALAM MONG PURO UPDATE LANG SA FACEBOOK ANG MABABASA MO
9. NGUMITI SA HARAP NG COMPUTER KASI MAY NAKAKATAWA NA NAMANG VIDEO SA YOUTUBE
10. NAUUNANG TUMAYO AT IKAW PA ANG NAUUNANG SUMIGAW NG “BREAK TIME!!!”

Farewell

2010-08-02T06:57:00.001-07:00

When we were young, there are more hellos than goodbyes. As we mature, there are more goodbyes than hellos. Maybe because youth gives us the freedom to establish the friends that we want to have; while age gives us the prerogative to choose who we want to keep.

Farewell is a part of life, so it’s not unusual to say goodbye to someone who has been nice or somebody you had a good chat with. But it’s not common that one gets to bid adios to four different people in a matter of four days.

His last day at the office was Thursday. He is an engineer and was one of my colleagues. Maybe a bit arrogant as first impressions might dictate but quite a funny and nice guy. He was one of the founders of the Friday Club, where most of the office staff would meet every Friday and have a drink or two. A player by reputation; but not the type who takes advantage on someone else’s weakness. He had been waiting for years to be enlightened on his future at work. But the hopes cannot be too high, so he had to go off shore to earn a living. On his last day at work, the Friday Club went out on a Thursday, leaving us Friday with one-less member. And there goes my first goodbye.

Everyone was so excited on Friday. See, it’s our boss who’s leaving. It’s the last day of his monthly US-Pi routine where he would stay in the Philippines for almost a month and leave for the US, stay there for yet another month. It would then be a sin not to read the emails whenever he’s not around. He’s in the usual irritable, cramming mood where he snaps at almost everyone and paranoid that everyone relaxes whenever he’s gone. On this day, before he said “Bye guys, see you later”, he met with me and handed over a lot of things to do but almost nothing to start with, except some scribbles which he called plans. Anything to keep my hands off Facebook while he was away. Not that it matters (I’m gonna access Facebook anyway). Well, that’s the second and maybe the only goodbye that I wouldn’t mind.

With the boss leaving, everyone in the office took off early. It was a good opportunity for me to do the laundry that I eluded from for two weeks. Little did I know that I’m gearing towards another adieu.
She was a German vet student who stayed in the same vet staff house that I’m in. She started eight weeks ago as intern to the vet clinic. Surely anyone would agree that eight weeks is not enough to get to know a person completely but it definitely is more than enough to get acquainted. Together with other lodgers, we had regular dinners where we would chat (though I just listened most of the time).
While I was doing my laundry, she cooked for what seems to be the thing that bonded us for eight weeks; dinner. It was a little different though, for it was a send off party. There were lots of food, drink, people and photos. After seeing all the visitors off and it’s time to retire to bed, we hugged goodbye as we won’t see each other Saturday, the day she flies. So there’s the third goodbye.

Sunday was time to prepare for the fourth ciao. He’s a big American guy whom I’ve worked with weeks before he came to the Philippines and before we even met. He was very nice that even if he often says that it was only in this country that he doesn’t get easily pissed off, I could hardly get convinced. He often talks too much, even if he’s not being listened to. FYI, he knows. He stayed in the country for nine months as superintendent for a contractor in one of our projects. I helped him find the materials he needs (only a few of these he didn’t whine over). As the project is nearing completion, he had to leave.
With two other colleagues, I went to the house he stayed for nine months for a rummage. He gave us all of the things he wouldn’t bring back to the States, from A/C’s to dishes and pillows. The next day, he just dropped by to the office to say goodbye as he flies that night. Thus, the fourth goodbye.

Two Americans, a Filipino and a German. One I will definitely see some time soon, one I would see again in a few months, one I am not sure if I will see again, and one I am certain I won’t see anymore.

Sooner, there will be more, if not three goodbyes, one of them a person I love to talk sense to. I will definitely miss him, but as I’ve said, farewell is a part of life. It may be harder to let go than to say goodbye, but everything should be overcame and friendship shall remain the same.

RECALLING REDEN

2010-05-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

He was the reason I know what "hero-worship" means. Other people may know that I did have a crush on him when I was 10 and he was 19 but no one knew how much input he has in my life. Oftentimes adults don't think having crushes at a young age matters. But I can testify that it definitely does.

I just turned 32 a few days ago and I've been trying to contemplate how I lived my life. I started to search for my grade school friends and suddenly remembered my first crush. I wondered what he looked like after 22 years. Well, following describes the saga of my search and recollection:

1. I searched for his name on Facebook. His name was not common so I thought I won't have a hard time finding him.

2. Unfortunately, there were hardly any match. The only match I found of Redentor San Diego was on Perth, Australia. Plus it was only a baby picture on his private profile.

3. Then I searched for Reden San Diego. No luck.

4. I went back on the Redentor San Diego from Australia. I was thinking maybe he migrated and now lives there. It's possible, so I opted to add him to my FB friend's list hoping to see his picture.

5. It hadn't been easy though. See the Redentor San Diego that I added, unlike me would not just accept an invitation. He asked me if he knew me and from where. I asked if he was from Laguna, Philippines, as I wasn't even sure if he was Filipino.

6. He replied yes, he was from Laguna. Then I tried to tell him why I've been looking for the guy, that I had a big "baby" crush on the guy I was looking for who worked for PLDT in Liliw, Laguna.

7. He said yes, he was that guy and he was 19 then. At this point I got so excited to know that I found him, but he hasn't accepted my invitation. You can imagine how anxious I've been at this point. He then recognized the name of our Bakery but can't recall who I am.

8. I tried to remind him of who I was. That I was this rotund girl who used to call him all the time at 55-109. I gave him my name but he still can't put me into place. I didn't mind. All I care about is I found him.

9. While I was high with excitement, he accepted my request and finally saw his pictures. I told him I was alienated 'cause I can't recognize his face. He warned me that he got bigger, indeed he was from what I can remember. But that's not the sad part. The sad part was I recall every detail about him, but I can't remember how he looks like.

10. He apologized for the disappointment, thinking I was disappointed of how he looks like. Here was my reply:

"who says i'm disappointed? time won't change anything. you're still a part of who i came to be. my biggest and first crush, first guy i cried on. first name I played FLAMES with mine. you don't know how happy I was that I found you. time changes, but memories dont. ",

" guess what i tried to say earlier is that i remember every detail about you, even your red checkered polo and your maong na nakatupi palabas, and pagsabit mo sa jeep papuntang san pablo, but i cant remember how you looked like. I looked at your pictures and I'm trying to recall your face, medyo mahirap i-place of course, 20 yrs eh. still, this night is awesome"...

Upon writing this message, my tears fell and I was mad about how can he possibly think that I was disappointed in finding a part of my youth, of my memory.

I bet up to now he still doesn't know who I was, and I still don't know who he is. But the scene of looking at him in the morning sitting by the PLDT container van is still vivid in mind. And how I cried when I learned that he won't be assigned there anymore will never be erased...

Ngayong Matanda Ka Na

2010-05-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ngayong matanda ka na, malamang alam mo na:

1.Na mas maganda ang two-tone na kwintas kesa sa kwintas na gawa sa dahon ng kamoteng kahoy (na may lock na tingting) o sa pinagkabit-kabit na bulaklak ng santan (na sinipsip mo muna isa isa).

2.Na walang sipay na gumagala at nangunguha ng bata para gawing pampatibay ng tulay ang dugo. Hinahalo lang pala nila ito sa Bloody Mary. Sarap.

3. Na hindi totoong nilulunok ng tatay mo ang piso para lang lumabas sa tenga mo. Kaya nung ginaya mo sa anak mo, pumalpak ka kasi nung nilunok mo yung piso, sa pw__ mo lumabas.

4. Kung bakit ang asawa ni Marie ay walang panty. Siguro kasi lalaki ang asawa ni Marie noh! Most probably naka-brief sya. Unless, unless, TIBO si Marie? Tsismis yan.

5. Oo, tatangkad ka pag natulog ka sa tanghali. Kaya ngayon, kahit matanda ka na, wala ka nang ginawa kundi matulog! Kaya hindi ka na lumaki! Tulog ka kasi ng tulog!

6. Na ang ibig sabihin ng "Sirit" pag hindi mo alam ang sagot ay "Share it". Uy, aminin... dito mo lang nalaman yan. Kundi man, sa anak mo lang nalaman yan. Ahem.

7. Na ang ibig sabihin ng:

I love you teleber teleber
Stasyu dance
Show your see
Turn around and go away

ay:

I love you Teddy Bear Teddy Bear
Statue dance
Show your feet
Turn around and go away

8. Hindi naman pala dapat problemahin kung lolobo ang ilong mo pag nahatsing ka. Kelangan mo lang takpan ang ilong mo, tutal nandyan naman ang loob ng laylayan ng damit mo.

9. Na hindi naman pala talaga mabubura ang sulat ng lapis mo pag nilawayan mo ang daliri mo at ikinuskos mo sa papel. Pero talagang mas madaling magpunit ng crosswise kung didilaan mo muna pagkatupi ng papel.

At ang dapat pinakaalam mo na, ngayong matanda ka na,

10. Kahit palagi ka pang utusan maghugas ng plato o magpatay ng ilaw, mas masarap pa ring maging bata

AVIVA

2010-05-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

Her name means SPRINGTIME.

We were playmates more than two decades ago, but that's as far as I can remember. She comes in while go out. I got out of my first school on the fourth grade while she came in. My school friends became her friends, and have gotten to know her better. I got out of my boarding house after high school, and again, she came in. My roommates became her roommates and again, have gotten to know her better.

The two of us weren't really given the chance to get to know each other except for the toys we've played with. When given the chance, we chit-chat. We even had a few summer days together in Baguio. But apart from these circumstances, she doesn't know the Cecille I am, and I don't know the Ava she is.

Two nights ago I received a text message from my brother that she died while giving birth. It was one of the few shocks in my life. It was a few days before mother's day, and she's supposed to be a second time, soft-spoken mom. Luckily the baby survived.

I'm thinking if I will go to the wake, I hate tears and goodbyes. I hate to see reunions happening at the expense of someone's life. I hate looking at coffins because the picture won't leave my mind. I will hate to see the baby and feel pity. Yet I want to sympathize, though I don't know how.

I feel for those who knew her and loved her deeply. It was the greatest sacrifice a mother can ever make for her offspring. True to her name, bearing the greatest gift while giving up her life, she will always bring SPRINGTIME...

Dimmer

2010-05-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

The light is getting dimmer everyday. I want to hang on, but I fear that I'm making a huge mistake. This job is eating me up and I'm losing myself. After a year without security, I'm trying to assess if I'm still the same me when I first stepped inside this igloo. The answer? BIG NO..

The List on my Bucket

2010-04-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve been often told how great and moving the story is. I was of course expecting it to be a great, knowing Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are two good veteran actors. But lately, I laid low on watching dramas because they depress me. It was not until yesterday when I went home from work rather early and had nothing to do that I decided to take a second look. I’ve watched every interesting movie on my collection, so it didn't leave me any choice. So there you go, two years after the release, and after sitting on my hard drive for almost a month, I finally watched The Bucket List.

It’s a story about two cancer patients who is the entire opposite of each other, i.e. in color, lifestyle, beliefs, and are complete strangers. They have been roommates in the hospital that Edward (Nicholson) owned. At first they didn’t seem to like each other. However, as days pass by, despite of all their differences, they got along. After the doctors gave them the “good news” that both of them will last for only a few months hence, they listed down everything that they want to do before they die. This is the Bucket List.

They did their best to scratch out everything on the list with the help of Edward's money. They succeeded.

All the hardships in my life made me a stronger person. I promised myself not to give in to real life's melodrama and that only my daughters and movies can make me cry. So naturally, I cried on this one. I believe that everyone fears death. Maybe because it is one of the things that nobody can tell about. Nobody can go ahead and talk like this: "You know what, when I was still dead, I saw the intense light and Jesus, and he told me that I shouldn't be in yet, that's why I'm here now. The people there were nice and life was really good." If this were the case, everyone can face death willingly.

I then thought of my dreams blog, which I didn't realize then as my Bucket List. When I wrote the blog, I promised that I will try to take out something from the list one at a time but when I reviewed my list, nothing has been taken off. I remember that I browsed the site for all the Shakespearean plays but it did not prosper. I started to write a book, "The Second World War as Told by Lolo", but I lost my journal. I started to paint, but the two roughly-done pieces were still frameless. I just wish I didn't rely on my paycheck to do away with life, but I do. And scarcity hinders us from doing what we want. Not that everything has to do with money, but we're talking about more than half of the whole. Like Carter (Freeman), who can't possibly take out most of what's on his list and conquer his fears it is weren't for Edward's money.

It'll be fulfilling if I can clear my Bucket list. But if not, it's no biggie. All I want to do is live until my kids don't need my hugs anymore. When the time comes that nobody needs me to love them, then I think I could pass away...

Existence

2010-03-17T21:53:00.001-07:00

It's not debatable, but it's something to ponder on. Something to talk about over a bottle of beer...

I once mentioned that I don't believe that love between 2 persons of opposite sex exist. Well. I really don't. My stance?

to be continued...

Miss Stress

2010-03-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

When my colleague called me "mistress", I frowned. I have been teased with my name a lot of times, but not this one. I never imagined myself to be a mistress; not a person who cannot claim anything from anyone and who cannot hold her head high.

Seconds hence I found out from her that she did not intend to call me mistress but "Miss Stress". With this, I frowned more. It's because recently she had made me realize that something is wrong with me. I let stress eat my skin, tuggle my energy and take away my youth. I looked at my pictures a month before I was hired in my present job and I could just sigh. I have been here for barely a year, yet I look like more than years older and a hundred pounds heavier.

I feel so unattractive and my low self esteem became lower. I've been trying to ignore this but it's stuck in my head. I really want to shave off my stress-eating habit. I want to relax and lay back but I can't. I am too worried that I can't think of the right things to do. The carefree me was eleven months dead.

I want to disprove that I am stressed, that I am ugly, but I can't, cause I am. I hate to think that that the result of stress gave me more stress, but it did.

It is early summer, but I want to stay somewhere without the sun hurting my eyes.

Hairrific

2009-05-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

Too much volume. The mediocrity of curly and straight, that's how our family's hair is. When I was in high school, I have always envied my friends who have straight hair. They didn't have to tie their hair back and brush it everytime. In college, they grow their long and have it styled, bangs and all. Geez I hate those days. A girl with bad hair is always plain. Then along came technology. Fifteen years ago it would have been a joke to say "I'll have my black hair turn blonde" or "Wait 'til my hair becomed straight" or "I'm going to the salon to cut my hair long" in my town. Nowadays, coloring is a norm, no one's naturally curly anymore, and of course the hair extensions. Only goes to show that even those who are not born with a golden spoon can be a princess and enjoy waving around with their "CROWN"

A little peace and quiet

2009-04-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been positive about things and shown apathy to my problems. But ever since my going abroad became unsuccessful, I’ve been evasive to almost everyone. It’s not because I was broke, there’s nothing new to it, and I’ve always been that way. But it’s been a trauma I guess to think that the thought you could finally give your kids and parents a good life has just been put to waste. So I only spoke to a few, went way down low and my self esteem to lower than the level of the ocean. I told myself maybe I was never meant to go abroad and leave my kids, but then again I have been questioning fate and well, maybe God, as to why luck had been very elusive. I’ve almost went my way out. Broke and jobless, I’ve been to many interviews, but most did not give me good impressions. Then I decided to accept one offer, simply because I need a getaway, a new environment.
It has been a drastic change for me from Manila to Subic life. I was so used to seeing the city from my window. Malls, movie houses, restos, gimmicks, spas everywhere. It was really far from what I see now, where monkeys, dolphins, sea lions are a normal sight and the chirping of birds is common each morning. Something a typical city girl would never like, aside from the fact that life is very slow paced. Others would say they would come here to unwind but not to work or settle down. But then again, it was away from the honking and carbon monoxide of the buses in EDSA and the stomping of busy feet in Makati; away from the stick ups in Quiapo or the shootings in Tondo. Here, it’s less worries, less paranoia. Indeed -- a little peace and quiet.

lunch time

2008-09-22T02:49:00.000-07:00

the most awaited time of the day. this is the only time when it is legal and allowed to do these things (some things may be "kapal nmn" to do, but heck, they happen):

1) sleep even when your boss is around - during office hours, you struggle to keep yourself awake especially when he's around. On lunchtime however, he may even make fun of your snore and record it!

2) play your music out loud and sing along - during office hours, you and your colleagues use earphones. Either they're ashamed to louden their music or they're irritated by you singing along!

3) text until you drop - you don't have to put your phone on the silent mode and even take calls which are all gossips

4) laugh out loud without annoying others - you can laugh all you want without the far eyes looking at you aghastly. At lunch time these eyes can shout and ask what you're laughing about loudly too

5) use the internet for free - and chat with your friends abroad (the Middle East people are then beginning their day and the Americans ending theirs) and ask for job vacancies there or how to migrate to Canada or Australia.

6) research for your kid's projects or assignments - and print it afterwards

7) text, phone chat with each other on your company's private network about an irritating colleague

8) update resume

9) print it with your picture occupying half of the page (in colored ink of course)

10) or send it to people from number 5

Polycystic Ovary

2008-09-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ever since I had it, my menstrual cycle has never really been a cycle. I was a dozen years old then when I first had my period. But since then I could not remember the time when I was having it every month. I recall having it every five months though. Being young, I really did not care then. I consulted a doctor when I was in college who gave me medication, but it could only help for a month and everything was the same thereafter.
Approximately a year after, I got pregnant. Most people would say I was so lucky to have a baby because my monthly period was so erratic. But that was not my case. Unlike anyone with the same case as mine, I easily get pregnant. I gave birth to two more kids and had my period every month since I was married (except of course when I was pregnant, which is about 45% of my married years).
A few months after giving birth, my husband and I got separated. It has been four years and ever since, my period got back into its old habit. Last April, I had my period for 17 days. Had it not been for the anti-hemorrhagic pill that I took, the bleeding would not subside. Then exactly 10 days after it stopped, there it went again. I was in panic so I had myself admitted to the hospital. There, I was diagnosed to have the POLYCYSTIC OVARY (PCO) syndrome. It is threatening but not as dreadful as it sounds.
Normally, when we hear of the word "cyst", we often think about cancer and surgery. And of course we know that "poly" means many, then we are overwhelmed. When I first heard about it, I was too. The syndrome can lead to diabetes, heart attack, stroke, and cancer of the breast or uterus but the sonologist assured me that it can be corrected.
The thing is, a female should be "laying eggs" every month, that is the ovary should release an egg cell to the uterus and if the egg is not fertilized, it would cause the uterine lining to thicken, thus the monthly period come. Well, that doesn't happen to most of women. Some 5% of the femme population, like me, does not lay egg sometimes, and the egg stays in the ovary and are trapped in there, causing a poly cyst.
Recently, I have visited a very smart and beautiful doctor who lectured me about what really happens to body system of a person having this condition. Like a student, I cannot relay the exact words she said but while she explaining, I completely understood. She advised me to undergo some tests, reduce my blood sugar and watch my weight and blood pressure.
Right now I'm under medication and my period will be regulated. I will take the pills or the patch for another twenty or more years until I'm in the menopausal stage but I don't mind as long as I don't get any of the complications of PCO.
This is just a reminder to you or somebody you know that irregular menstruation should not be taken for granted. Consult your gyne as soon as possible and have your period corrected. It is never too late unless, of course, IT IS..

Superwoman

2008-08-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

When I first heard the song, it was just another Alicia Keys' signature melody. It wasn't until i heard the title that it caught me. Superwoman. I focused on the melody then got abreast with the lyrics. I normally would google about the song I like and ponder about the words. Indeed, it was wonderful.

Like anyone, I have my struggles. With mine, some people would have not survived. Yet I did.

We are a brood of five with two males and three females. I was the youngest. My family was the typical conservative type where the idea of marriage should always be perfect and family should always be complete. Each of their steps were following a certain track. They all went to the same school, wedded not because one is pregnant, and sticked with their spouses and has been faithful. But I hate tracks, and I hate routines. And I'm the only one brave (sometimes called stupid, but I prefer brave) enough to divert the water flow. Studied in a different school, got pregnant before graduation, got separated after three kids. So I guess I just don't like idea of living another's life. I have my own.

I grew apart from my siblings being the independent and mum type that I am. They never knew me as I grew up and all I had were my friends. The only time I spoke about anything openly was when I got separated. By that time, of course, they have their own families and little struggles of their own. Until now, I still smile when I hear my sisters say their petty complains. They do this in oblivion.

I gather that if they are complaining about small things, would they have survived if they went through a slice of what I had. If they had a drug-dependent husband who robbed them of their money that’s allotted to buy infant milk. Or have their husbands jailed for theft. Or let their kids teased because they have no father. Or to want to be loved but cannot overcome trauma, thus resulting to unresponsive, unattached physical relationships. I wonder how or if they will ever regain their sanity.

As the song goes, "For all the mothers fighting For better days to come. And all my women, all my women sitting here trying. To come home before the sun...I am a superwoman" Yes I need her, my superwoman. But I'm strong, and I survived. And I think I am a superwoman myself.

Of course, we make mistakes, and we need not commit some in order to learn. Yet, we are born stubborn and curious, and we should not blame anyone for the consequences of our actions. But I always believe that God puts us into tests that he think we would pass. And it makes me proud that he gave me hard ones because it only means he has that much faith that I can pass it with flying colors.

Think!

2008-07-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ever since the oil price kept on elevating, EDSA had lesser traffic but definitely passengers. Before the hike, I would be able to ride and take a bus seat from Boni Ave station to Ayala at 7:30am and still arrive at the office punctually at 8:00am.
Now is a completely different scenario. If I reach EDSA at 7:30, it would take a minimum of 15 minutes before I am able to get a bus. And mind you, by this time, all the Ayala buses are jam packed and most passengers either cannot breathe or they have their face pinned to the glass door. Imagine how people from Guadalupe and Buendia would look like at this time. Practically standing under the morning sun, with molten makeup. It's quite a pitiful scene. But us passengers do not have any choice. We must go to work.
Anyway, this morning, I was on my way to work in the usual 200-person bus, when the driver was reprimanded by an MMDA officer in Guadalupe. The officer said that the bus was overstaying but the driver argued and said that he's trying to unload. The officer argued back and said the bus is overloaded. They kept on throwing the same rebuttal on each other until a passenger shouted that most of us are going to be late for work. That's the only time they stopped blabbing and the officer let the driver move on.
Now, do these traffic officers have any brains at all? Don't they know getting out of those damned buses in less than a couple of minutes is like a fat guy trying to reach his toes?
I know that these bus drivers have the tendency to take advantage of the situation and load as many passengers as they could, but in a way, they do us a favor. If no bus driver will load from Boni to Buendia (since there's a 1:10 ratio of loading to unloading passengers on these areas), none of us can go to work in time.
It's like, duh... do they really have to reprimand buses to stay until all people that they can serve are served? Or isn't it possible that they provide a solution to this problem since it has already been out in the daily paper.
Maybe if they use their service vehicles (if they have) to make it possible for people to transport to Ayala, then they would have been a great help. Or maybe help by not adding insult to the injury. We need to be at work on time, and it's hard to get transportation, so they must think twice before causing a delay.
I know everyone does their job as told, but sometimes, it won't do us any harm if we think first.

dreams

2008-06-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

For me, there are three types of dreams:

First, there are achievable, small things we want to do. The kind where you need less money, but need time and opportunity to achieve. Then there's the dreams that need money but still achievable. Lastly, the dreams that need money or luck and sad to say, cannot be achieved by a common person like me (I wish I could look back to this kind of list few years from now and erase one cause I already have or did it).Life is uncertain because no one knows how long one is going to live.All of us wants to have our own house, car and luxuries in life. And nobody would not dream of giving their children a good future. But not considering these common goals, I'm giving away a list of my dreams and I want to know yours.

1) needs less money, achievable things:

a) write my own book
b) have my own painting exhibit
c) be a DJ
d) sing in a band
e) have my own website
f) learn how to play violin
g) read all shakespearian plays
h) volunteer in habitat for humanity
i) manufacture recycled paper
j) compose a song or two
k) be a wedding singer

2) needs money, achievable things:

a) have my own library
b) have my own school for kids,
where everything is free (including
notebooks, books, pencil, bags)
c) sponsor scholarships
d) have my own charity institution (with no support from politicians)
e) go to the all the beaches in the
philippines
f) own a shop where everything is
made from recycled or reused
materials
g) own a restaurant

3) kinda impossible things:

a) around the world tour with my plane and me as the pilot
b) be an olympic archer
c) have david cook sing for me

Breakup

2008-04-23T00:02:00.001-07:00

Top ten things to do when you found your partner is cheating on you

2008-04-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

When our partners cheat on us, we are always the last to know. And when we do, we want to scream or do the "kill". But as we always say, we don't stoop down their level because we are civilized people. So instead, here are a few things that we can do to keep our hands from getting dirty:

Go ahead and do the same thing you do everyday

1) Prepare his breakfast (bacon, eggs and fried rice cooked in oil with 100% transfat for cancer purposes)

2) Prepare his bath in no less than a hundred-degrees-centigrade water so as to kill the germs in his skin and he won't get sick.

3) Iron his clothes and undies and don't forget to put it in maximum temperature on his expensive top and undies so the creases would come off

4) Get his favorite tie and put it on him yourself, the tighter the better, to keep him groomy and neat. Remember that it is best to do this when his shirt is still not on (to keep close contact with the neck so people wont see his kissmark).

5) Send him to the door and bid him goodbye while holding the cutter you used to untie the brake wires of her car.

6) Call the office after an hour to check if he has arrived safely and if the gangster you paid only broke his nose

7) Conspire with the chef of his favorite resto and tell him his favorite dish is rat stew and it's what he wants for lunch.

8) Send him sweet messages on his phone that you used to hammer a nail earlier.

9) When he gets home from a sizzling night with her, manage to keep a smile and give him a glass of milk (2 tbsps milk, 1 cup hot water, 1 tsp sugar, 1 tsp spit, 1 cockroach cut into cubes and squeezed in gently for fullest flavor and salt to taste)

10) Because he is definitely tired from his "night job", give him a massage. count around 10 to 12 lumps on her spine from the neck down and give it a hard hit. if he feels numb on her legs and could not move from waist down, tell him it'll all get better the next day.

all because the next day is yours for rejoicing. hurrah!

Top ten things to do when you're at work and sleepy

2008-04-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

1) eat chocolates -- eating itself might not work sometimes, but going down to buy some, seeing cute guys, and killing a good 20 minutes would definitely help
2) send a message to your officemate -- this would help you wake up specially if your officemate has the ambulance alert for his message alert tone
3) go to the powder room -- but before you powder your nose, wash your face with joy, like the dishwashing liquid that the pantry girls left (cause they're using the comfort room not just to answer the call of nature but also to wash the utensils they used for lunch) just imagine where they get water if there's none on the sink faucet...yuck..
4) peek at your phone -- check for green jokes that your officemate sent you, and make sure you have a very alerting message alert tone (like a fire truck's maybe or a police siren)
5) help your officemates -- there might be some work to do, helping is very important in building rapport with your colleagues. roam around and see if someone can't finish the bag of chips she bought (you have to do this because she helped you buy your chocolates, don't be ingrateful)
6) laugh -- think of a scene in Marimar or Maging Sino Ka Man, and imagine Rene R. and Zorayda as the lead talents (how touching..)
7) chat on the net with your friends -- but don't make your keyboard make quick ticking sounds or else your boss will wonder why you are using MS Excel yet you're typing so fast
8) wash your hands -- go to the pantry and wash your hands, then open the fridge to check if anything has been left there for days, when you see one, check the expiration date and pop it to your mouth when nobody's looking
9) turn on the radio -- listen to Crossover or Mellow Touch but use your earphones or else your officemate with an ambulance alert tone wont hear it when you send him a message
10) create a blog

Baby Talk1 (like a candle)

2008-03-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

being a single parent, i am firm but kind. i would tickle and kiss my kids every now and then but when they do something wrong, i make sure the right values are inculcated in their minds and that they take me seriously.
one morning when we were still in bed, i greeted my eldest a good morning and she smiled. after the cheek muscles have relaxed, she stayed quiet for a few seconds, pondering. then she said to me, "mom, you're like a candle." wondering, i asked why she said that. then she answered, "cause sometimes you're lit up (in fire) and sometimes you're not". naturally i couldn't help but smile, but whenever i think about what she said and how true it is, i always wonder why she came up with such analogy. i know my kids are smart but others also think that what she said is out of the ordinary.

Cecilia

2008-03-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

i was never fond of my name. well who would want an old fashioned, Spanish name like Cecilia? aside from that, it means dim sighted or blind. i remember my music teacher back in the 6th grade who said St. Cecilia is the patron saint of music and asked, "Is anybody here named Cecilia?".. being a lover of music, i proudly raised my hand and actually thought that my name was the most beautiful sounding name of all when she asked, "When's your birthday?" and i told her that i was born in May. She waved her hand in a brush and said "Oh, you're not named after her, St. Cecilia's birthday is the 22nd of November."
well of course i hated my name even more..
it was not until i was a mother of three that i realized my name could not only be a Spanish name, it can also be an Italian name. indeed i realized it is the Italian translation of the beautiful city, Sicily. Of all the regions of Italy, Sicily covers the largest surface area with 25,708 km²and currently has five million inhabitants. It is also the largest island in the Mediterranean Sea...
well who wouldn't want an old fashioned, Spanish name like Cecilia?

migraine

2008-03-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

i've been wanting to do this for the longest time but i did not know how. so here's my first...

maybe it's stress, or lack of sleep, or bright light.. all i know is it happens every now and then. head aches and a feeling of nausea and vertigo. it makes me want to cry. but then, what can i do? no medicine was ever a cure. the temporary relief of a half gram does not come.