Provocation of the Vulnerable Brain

For the first time in 32 years, I cannot assess myself.

I've been struggling to huddle everything I want and set my priorities. What do I have so far? Nothing. I've been in a lot of dilemmas which I don't expect everyone to understand. Dilemmas that didn't lead me in any of the tracks, even the wrong ones.

For eighteen months I've been wanting to contribute to changing a system that did not exist. I've been wanting so hard to attain an unachievable goal that I sold my soul to the devil.

Not realizing what I ended up with, I became part of the system that was like a rotten egg the moment it was laid. I look at myself and I, who hate politics, now talk about politics. I, who hate gossips, am now gossiping. I, who don't trust ordinal information, even ponder on rumors. And I, who have trouble trusting, still trust myself.

I want to scream at myself for the monster that I have become. For a while, my inherent apathy to side-talks isn't there anymore.

Still, I have to thank that this igloo did not eat up my enthusiasm on challenges, thus I obtained the drive to regain the dignity that I seem to have thrown away.