Sorry but I don’t believe I can ever love

I love my kids, my family, and my friends. I love God; I love myself. These things I know.

I have been in love a few times. Cliché, so it can be easy for me to say. But have I really loved? Or has anyone really ever loved for that matter?

Maybe this is not meant to be read by those who are still young, and believe that somewhere, there’s an Edward Cullen, or Prince Charming around. Kids deserve to dream, so I’d give them that.

But as much as we don’t want to believe or admit, our growth is hampered by our emotions, and our maturity held back by fairy tales. So instead of stories being patterned in real life, we tend to pattern our lives on stories. Therefore, we become hopeless romantics, and we fall in love with the idea of love itself.

So I don’t believe in love. But don’t ever think this as a result of trauma, bitterness or failed relationships; although there’s truth in the latest. It did not however, give trauma or bitterness, but realization to what is really out there.

I believe in attraction and how you long to be with someone that you recently met. But I do know that time will come that you will tire just looking and wondering why you wake up with the same person everyday.

I believe in infatuation, and how you can’t think about anything else than being with the other person. Though I do know that to grow fonder can mean to love the person, but does not necessarily mean that they will stay in love.

I believe how your heart beats faster every time you’re around him or her. But in time, your heart won’t beat faster anymore. It will tick rather, just enough for you to live.

I believe in relationships, and how you gain and give trust and respect. But sooner or later, temptation will take out trust and rule out respect.

I believe in promises, compromises and growing old together. But promises are always broken, and no one admits that they don’t want to compromise, and that all we will ever want is a companion when our gray hair keeps coming out.

I believe in love songs and still cry in love stories. But there’s no such thing as happy endings. Most of the time, it just ends.

And although not every relationship is bound to end, and forgiveness and happiness can still be achieved, it seems impossible to love eternally.

Love is indistinguishable to perfection.

So who could ever love but God? Probably the most popular chapter in the Holy Bible is the 13th of the First Book of Corinthians. So for those who say they have loved or have been in love, you may think again. For here is what the holy book says:

Love is patient – But is patience being tired of waiting for them to love you back? Or getting frustrated because he’s not able to keep his promise? Or being anxious on waiting for our loved one to come home?

Love is kind – But can we ever be kind when we can’t even be considerate of what others would feel?

Love does not envy – Yet we take pride in our loved one’s jealousy. Or heedless to say, we always compete with our partner, in one way or another. At the back of our heads, we don’t want them to be joyous if we are apart.

Love does not boast – Can you ever give or receive flowers or gifts without showing them around? I don’t think so. Even the simplest form of flaunting is boasting.

Love is not proud – But we seldom admit that we have done wrong. Most people who are in love gain a boosted ego when the other admits that they faulted. I am guilty of this, aren’t you?

Love is not rude – Yet we say bad things to one another when we’re angry. And even if we apologize and say that we don’t mean them, we do. Everything that comes out of our mouth, angry or not, are either meant or at least half-meant.

Love is not self-seeking – Even if we say that we lost our self to the one we love, and that we don’t know our true selves anymore. None of our motives is ENTIRELY, and I stress the word, selfless.

Love is not easily angered – This goes out to all women in relationships. I think I don’t need to say more.

Love keeps no record of wrongs – Does forgive and not forget ring a bell? Pretty straight-forward.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth - But everyone lies, black or white. “What you don’t know won’t hurt you”, as they say. But it is also said that “No secret is forever kept.”

Love always protects – If we can protect them from hurt, and avoid inflicting them pain, then maybe we can always protect them.

Love always trusts – One time or another, even if we don’t actually do it, at the back of our heads, everyone wants to cheat. And therefore we are all spies.

Love always hopes – We can always hope; for the betterment of the other person, or for all the good things. What’s hard is to hope for them selflessly.

Love always perseveres – We persevere if we are patient

Love never fails – And finally, admit it or not, everyone fails to possess everything that precedes this criterion.

I do not possess all of these. Not one, not even close to having one. I am full of flaws, impatient, selfish and easily angered.

So maybe I can feel attraction which could lead to infatuation or maybe affection. But I do know that it will eventually die out. And so I just accept the fact that I can never be in love, and try to be satiable with what I have and what I can get. Though I’m not saying that that it’s high time everyone think the same. But we should never get our hopes too high, so as not to get frustrated, or hurt. For we can only love in the eternal world; and in this promiscuous WORLD of OURS, there’s no such thing as FOREVER, much less HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Provocation of the Vulnerable Brain Part2 (Invictus)

Recently, I've been asking myself, do we need to get lost to find the way? What if we're trapped in a maze that we can't get out?

It's a good thing that that back from my COTC High School days, there has been one poem of which message I never thought I live by. Thanks to William Ernest Henley, I can still think for myself and for my family.

I may be summoned to do things, but I still go by my rules. I may hear a lot of things, but at the end of the day, it's still my thoughts that count.

So today, even if I can explicitly say that I am inside a political maze, I am confident that I can see the other end and get out of it.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Provocation of the Vulnerable Brain

For the first time in 32 years, I cannot assess myself.

I've been struggling to huddle everything I want and set my priorities. What do I have so far? Nothing. I've been in a lot of dilemmas which I don't expect everyone to understand. Dilemmas that didn't lead me in any of the tracks, even the wrong ones.

For eighteen months I've been wanting to contribute to changing a system that did not exist. I've been wanting so hard to attain an unachievable goal that I sold my soul to the devil.

Not realizing what I ended up with, I became part of the system that was like a rotten egg the moment it was laid. I look at myself and I, who hate politics, now talk about politics. I, who hate gossips, am now gossiping. I, who don't trust ordinal information, even ponder on rumors. And I, who have trouble trusting, still trust myself.

I want to scream at myself for the monster that I have become. For a while, my inherent apathy to side-talks isn't there anymore.

Still, I have to thank that this igloo did not eat up my enthusiasm on challenges, thus I obtained the drive to regain the dignity that I seem to have thrown away.

PETIX KA BA?

PETIX KA SA TRABAHO KAPAG MADALAS KANG:

1. PUMUNTA SA CR KAHIT HINDI KA NAIIHI AT MADALAS NANANALAMIN KA LANG
2. KUMUHA NG TUBIG DAHIL INOM KA LANG NG INOM SA PAGPAPATAY NG ORAS
3. MAGKWENTO NG NAKARAAN MO AT HINDI NG CURRENT EVENTS LANG
4. LINGON KA NG LINGON PAG MAY DUMADAAN SA LIKOD MO DAHIL BAKA BOSS YUNG DUMADAAN AT MAKITANG NAGLALARO KA
5. TUMINGIN SA ORASAN DAHIL HINIHINTAY MONG MAGUWIAN
6. HUMIKAB KAHIT HINDI KA PUYAT
7. MAGCHECK NG CELPHONE KAHIT ALAM MO NAMAN WALA NAGTETEXT AT WALA KANG LOAD
8. MAGCHECK NG EMAIL KAHIT ALAM MONG PURO UPDATE LANG SA FACEBOOK ANG MABABASA MO
9. NGUMITI SA HARAP NG COMPUTER KASI MAY NAKAKATAWA NA NAMANG VIDEO SA YOUTUBE
10. NAUUNANG TUMAYO AT IKAW PA ANG NAUUNANG SUMIGAW NG “BREAK TIME!!!”

Farewell

When we were young, there are more hellos than goodbyes. As we mature, there are more goodbyes than hellos. Maybe because youth gives us the freedom to establish the friends that we want to have; while age gives us the prerogative to choose who we want to keep.

Farewell is a part of life, so it’s not unusual to say goodbye to someone who has been nice or somebody you had a good chat with. But it’s not common that one gets to bid adios to four different people in a matter of four days.

His last day at the office was Thursday. He is an engineer and was one of my colleagues. Maybe a bit arrogant as first impressions might dictate but quite a funny and nice guy. He was one of the founders of the Friday Club, where most of the office staff would meet every Friday and have a drink or two. A player by reputation; but not the type who takes advantage on someone else’s weakness. He had been waiting for years to be enlightened on his future at work. But the hopes cannot be too high, so he had to go off shore to earn a living. On his last day at work, the Friday Club went out on a Thursday, leaving us Friday with one-less member. And there goes my first goodbye.

Everyone was so excited on Friday. See, it’s our boss who’s leaving. It’s the last day of his monthly US-Pi routine where he would stay in the Philippines for almost a month and leave for the US, stay there for yet another month. It would then be a sin not to read the emails whenever he’s not around. He’s in the usual irritable, cramming mood where he snaps at almost everyone and paranoid that everyone relaxes whenever he’s gone. On this day, before he said “Bye guys, see you later”, he met with me and handed over a lot of things to do but almost nothing to start with, except some scribbles which he called plans. Anything to keep my hands off Facebook while he was away. Not that it matters (I’m gonna access Facebook anyway). Well, that’s the second and maybe the only goodbye that I wouldn’t mind.

With the boss leaving, everyone in the office took off early. It was a good opportunity for me to do the laundry that I eluded from for two weeks. Little did I know that I’m gearing towards another adieu.
She was a German vet student who stayed in the same vet staff house that I’m in. She started eight weeks ago as intern to the vet clinic. Surely anyone would agree that eight weeks is not enough to get to know a person completely but it definitely is more than enough to get acquainted. Together with other lodgers, we had regular dinners where we would chat (though I just listened most of the time).
While I was doing my laundry, she cooked for what seems to be the thing that bonded us for eight weeks; dinner. It was a little different though, for it was a send off party. There were lots of food, drink, people and photos. After seeing all the visitors off and it’s time to retire to bed, we hugged goodbye as we won’t see each other Saturday, the day she flies. So there’s the third goodbye.

Sunday was time to prepare for the fourth ciao. He’s a big American guy whom I’ve worked with weeks before he came to the Philippines and before we even met. He was very nice that even if he often says that it was only in this country that he doesn’t get easily pissed off, I could hardly get convinced. He often talks too much, even if he’s not being listened to. FYI, he knows. He stayed in the country for nine months as superintendent for a contractor in one of our projects. I helped him find the materials he needs (only a few of these he didn’t whine over). As the project is nearing completion, he had to leave.
With two other colleagues, I went to the house he stayed for nine months for a rummage. He gave us all of the things he wouldn’t bring back to the States, from A/C’s to dishes and pillows. The next day, he just dropped by to the office to say goodbye as he flies that night. Thus, the fourth goodbye.

Two Americans, a Filipino and a German. One I will definitely see some time soon, one I would see again in a few months, one I am not sure if I will see again, and one I am certain I won’t see anymore.

Sooner, there will be more, if not three goodbyes, one of them a person I love to talk sense to. I will definitely miss him, but as I’ve said, farewell is a part of life. It may be harder to let go than to say goodbye, but everything should be overcame and friendship shall remain the same.

RECALLING REDEN

He was the reason I know what "hero-worship" means. Other people may know that I did have a crush on him when I was 10 and he was 19 but no one knew how much input he has in my life. Oftentimes adults don't think having crushes at a young age matters. But I can testify that it definitely does.

I just turned 32 a few days ago and I've been trying to contemplate how I lived my life. I started to search for my grade school friends and suddenly remembered my first crush. I wondered what he looked like after 22 years. Well, following describes the saga of my search and recollection:

1. I searched for his name on Facebook. His name was not common so I thought I won't have a hard time finding him.

2. Unfortunately, there were hardly any match. The only match I found of Redentor San Diego was on Perth, Australia. Plus it was only a baby picture on his private profile.

3. Then I searched for Reden San Diego. No luck.

4. I went back on the Redentor San Diego from Australia. I was thinking maybe he migrated and now lives there. It's possible, so I opted to add him to my FB friend's list hoping to see his picture.

5. It hadn't been easy though. See the Redentor San Diego that I added, unlike me would not just accept an invitation. He asked me if he knew me and from where. I asked if he was from Laguna, Philippines, as I wasn't even sure if he was Filipino.

6. He replied yes, he was from Laguna. Then I tried to tell him why I've been looking for the guy, that I had a big "baby" crush on the guy I was looking for who worked for PLDT in Liliw, Laguna.

7. He said yes, he was that guy and he was 19 then. At this point I got so excited to know that I found him, but he hasn't accepted my invitation. You can imagine how anxious I've been at this point. He then recognized the name of our Bakery but can't recall who I am.

8. I tried to remind him of who I was. That I was this rotund girl who used to call him all the time at 55-109. I gave him my name but he still can't put me into place. I didn't mind. All I care about is I found him.

9. While I was high with excitement, he accepted my request and finally saw his pictures. I told him I was alienated 'cause I can't recognize his face. He warned me that he got bigger, indeed he was from what I can remember. But that's not the sad part. The sad part was I recall every detail about him, but I can't remember how he looks like.

10. He apologized for the disappointment, thinking I was disappointed of how he looks like. Here was my reply:

"who says i'm disappointed? time won't change anything. you're still a part of who i came to be. my biggest and first crush, first guy i cried on. first name I played FLAMES with mine. you don't know how happy I was that I found you. time changes, but memories dont. ",

" guess what i tried to say earlier is that i remember every detail about you, even your red checkered polo and your maong na nakatupi palabas, and pagsabit mo sa jeep papuntang san pablo, but i cant remember how you looked like. I looked at your pictures and I'm trying to recall your face, medyo mahirap i-place of course, 20 yrs eh. still, this night is awesome"...

Upon writing this message, my tears fell and I was mad about how can he possibly think that I was disappointed in finding a part of my youth, of my memory.

I bet up to now he still doesn't know who I was, and I still don't know who he is. But the scene of looking at him in the morning sitting by the PLDT container van is still vivid in mind. And how I cried when I learned that he won't be assigned there anymore will never be erased...

Ngayong Matanda Ka Na

Ngayong matanda ka na, malamang alam mo na:

1.Na mas maganda ang two-tone na kwintas kesa sa kwintas na gawa sa dahon ng kamoteng kahoy (na may lock na tingting) o sa pinagkabit-kabit na bulaklak ng santan (na sinipsip mo muna isa isa).

2.Na walang sipay na gumagala at nangunguha ng bata para gawing pampatibay ng tulay ang dugo. Hinahalo lang pala nila ito sa Bloody Mary. Sarap.

3. Na hindi totoong nilulunok ng tatay mo ang piso para lang lumabas sa tenga mo. Kaya nung ginaya mo sa anak mo, pumalpak ka kasi nung nilunok mo yung piso, sa pw__ mo lumabas.

4. Kung bakit ang asawa ni Marie ay walang panty. Siguro kasi lalaki ang asawa ni Marie noh! Most probably naka-brief sya. Unless, unless, TIBO si Marie? Tsismis yan.

5. Oo, tatangkad ka pag natulog ka sa tanghali. Kaya ngayon, kahit matanda ka na, wala ka nang ginawa kundi matulog! Kaya hindi ka na lumaki! Tulog ka kasi ng tulog!

6. Na ang ibig sabihin ng "Sirit" pag hindi mo alam ang sagot ay "Share it". Uy, aminin... dito mo lang nalaman yan. Kundi man, sa anak mo lang nalaman yan. Ahem.

7. Na ang ibig sabihin ng:

I love you teleber teleber
Stasyu dance
Show your see
Turn around and go away

ay:

I love you Teddy Bear Teddy Bear
Statue dance
Show your feet
Turn around and go away

8. Hindi naman pala dapat problemahin kung lolobo ang ilong mo pag nahatsing ka. Kelangan mo lang takpan ang ilong mo, tutal nandyan naman ang loob ng laylayan ng damit mo.

9. Na hindi naman pala talaga mabubura ang sulat ng lapis mo pag nilawayan mo ang daliri mo at ikinuskos mo sa papel. Pero talagang mas madaling magpunit ng crosswise kung didilaan mo muna pagkatupi ng papel.

At ang dapat pinakaalam mo na, ngayong matanda ka na,

10. Kahit palagi ka pang utusan maghugas ng plato o magpatay ng ilaw, mas masarap pa ring maging bata